These are some of the nuggets that encapsulate my perspective in the world and the philosophy that moves me.

• You can judge or you can relate, but you cannot judge and relate at the same time. I don’t judge my judgements, and I don’t perceive relating as a moral obligation. Both are decisions I have the competency to make at will and on my own behalf.
  
  

• A vision is not to be accomplished, it’s to be lived. It’s never complete. It’s never done. It’s alive in every action, no matter how big or small.
  
  

• Love is a decision, an action, a potential congruence (I love), and perhaps a personal commitment. Love has consequences, as all decisions do—and consequences are neither good nor bad. They are. They exist. What now?
  
  

• Conflict is difference that’s not okay. I don’t have a desire to get rid of the difference. I may want to get rid of the ‘not okay.’ Relating isn’t a moral obligation though, so conflict may remain.
  
  

• I don’t require you to change in order for me to be whole.
  
  

• Participation is not responsibility and responsibility is not obligation. Responsibility is a decision and one’s participation with their decision can always shift and change. Have I decided to engage with the responsibility in front of me? What consequences may I face if I don’t?
  
  

• We all participate in our relationships, we contribute differently.
  
  

• Personal will is biologically interconnected to those who came before us, until the echo of their pain ceases to dictate how the nervous system regulates. The more I engage with my body, the more competency I have to engage my will. If my body is in a consistent state of overwhelm, unconsciously pulling me into a trauma response, how do I engage my will? I must first learn to nourish the body so in every moment, the ability to consciously decide at will is within reach.
  
  

• Congruence is my priority.
  Congruence is the present moment alignment of my actions with the perception of myself from within. It’s always in the present moment. In practice, it is ‘I + verb.’
  Congruence is how I ground and expand. It’s how I mind my own business. It’s how I return to myself in the face of overwhelm, grief, pain, and fear.
  Congruence is always me, in this moment, aligning all that I am with all of my attention and focus.
  I am.
  
  

• I’m not a good person. I’m a person who is willing to take accountability for the consequences of my decisions.
  
  

• Needs are requirements for being well. Declaring, ‘I need you to…’ outside of expressing a genuine requirement for being well is a form of manipulation. It is essentially saying, for example, “I need you to take the trash bins out—and if you don’t (the drama!) I’m not going to be okay.”
  But of course, that isn’t true. The need is mine. It lives within me, it is my responsibility. If you’re unavailable to meet my request, my need remains. Do I engage with my responsibility or not, and what are the consequences?
  
  Here’s an example: Drinking water is a requirement to be well. If I’m thirsty and ask you for a glass of water, you can say no. In the face of your ‘no’, my need for water remains. What now? Do I get up and get the water myself? Do I ask someone else for help? Do I relate to you to see if you have requirements in order to bring me water (or perhaps discover your ‘no’ is absolute and resolved)?
  In the face of your ‘no’, my need remains—and I don’t require you to be difference in order to be whole.
  
  Taking the bins to the curb is a want. If they don’t go out, they don’t go out. Everyone will be okay in the face of that task not being tended to.
  

• The antidote to manipulation is congruence. When I remain with what I have, another’s attempt to control me is futile.
  
  

• I don’t believe justice is a synonym for punitive retribution. I believe justice is loving myself first, regarding all people involved, and a lightening of the load for future generations. Justice is a practice of relating, and it cannot be served in the past because relating cannot happen there. Justice lives in the present moment, and the future.
  
  

• My personal commitments are few and far between. I cannot be committed to many things if I desire remaining in my integrity.
  
  

• Integrity is a combination of congruence and one’s personal commitments. It can only be perceived from within. Remaining in my integrity may be outwardly perceived as the opposite—and that’s none of my business.
  
  

• I don’t believe in compromise. The definitions of ‘compromise’ are: ‘to accept standards that are lower than is desirable’ and ‘to settle a dispute by mutual concession.’ I have no interest in lowering my standards. I have no interest in another lowering their standards. I have no interest in either of us walking away with less. I believe there are ways to utilize integrative power and figure out how both people can get what we want.
  
  

• I don’t make promises to other people, I only make them to myself. I may make an agreement to another person, but that isn’t a promise. I prefer to communicate my own personal commitments and let my character build trust over time, thus negating the requirement for a promise.
  
  

• A person’s character is the culmination of their patterns of behavior over time. This is differentiated from integrity, which relies on congruence—a present moment practice. Character is built slowly. Integrity can always be restored in the present moment.
  
  

• PCA [Person Centered Approach]—the framework of facilitation I’m currently studying—is not a value system. If PCA is upheld as a value system (as in, ‘you should…’), it’s oppressive. The value here is, “you’re a person. I’m a person.” I’m not interested in what you or I should be or do. I’m interested in being people together.
  
  

• I lead when I decide to lead. I relate if no one follows.
  
  

• My sovereignty cannot be taken, nor delegated. In every state of being, I am sovereign. Even when I’m being abused, dehumanized, violated, I am sovereign. The power of my sovereignty has never been, and cannot be, up for negotiation.
  
  

• Truth exists within paradox—the ever present friction of two opposing ends. It isn’t ‘yes, and’ which attempts to tie the angst between edges into a tidy bow. The friction is one of chaos—a building block of this universe. It is precisely the presence of the friction that reveals truth.
  
  

• I have no desire in letting go of the things that have hurt and harmed me. I choose to let in all that has made me, me.
  
  

• I am my ancestors prayer for healing and their hope for liberation made manifest.
  
  

• Using relational skills is a decision, not a moral obligation. I can relate, or not. I decide. If I want to be a bitch, I’ll be a fucking bitch. I know there are consequences to that decision, and in some moments I may be willing. On the surface, one may perceive the decision to not relate as a lack of competency. The paradoxically funny thing here is that deciding at will to not relate to another is a display of competency.
  
  And, another’s judgement of me as being competent or not isn’t my business.
  I return to my congruence in the moment, I stay with myself, I mind my business.
  
  I may be choosing judging in moments when I decide not to relate.
  The goal for me is not to erase judgement, difference, conflict, etc., it’s to remain with myself always. I use relational skills on my own behalf, to and for myself first—always.
  
  

• Forgiveness doesn’t equal access.
  
  

• Failure is essential.

Making it through the day is also a form of creating. Our lives are works of art.